Battling perfectionism in kids this school year

Perfectionism in Children:“Hold on, let me try that again.” Let’s raise kids who value progress over perfection.

Let's find our joy as we push ourselves to the next achievement!

About 20 times a day, my 4-year-old says, “Hold on, let me try that again.” It’s adorable—and as a parent, it’s heartwarming to see her persistence. But it also makes me pause and reflect: how natural it is for her to try again without frustration, without self-judgment. Somewhere along the way, many kids lose that ease. Trying again becomes a sign of failure, not resilience.

More and more, I see children who believe they must be perfect—who expect to hit a home run the very first time they pick up a bat. Why? Why are so many kids today striving for perfection in everything they do?

When I meet with new clients, especially young athletes, we often start by exploring their self-talk. I’ll ask: “What are the words in your head when you’re feeling confident?” Sometimes we even go deeper: “What words do adults in your life use to describe you?” These moments are usually uplifting, helping me understand how they see themselves at their best.

But then we shift. I’ll ask: “What words come up when things aren’t going well?” Time and again, one phrase rises above the rest:

“Not perfect.”

Playing sports isn't about being the best, it's about being a part of something!

Research backs this up. Studies show that children with high sensitivity to making mistakes—often driven by perfectionism—report lower levels of happiness and satisfaction, along with increased emotional instability (Rice & Preusser, 2002; Loades et al., 2019).

Kids are so focused on the outcome—the win, the goal, the flawless performance—that they forget the process, the learning, the joy of simply playing.

It’s easy to mistake perfectionism for a positive trait. But researchers warn it can be deeply harmful. In fact, perfectionism is increasingly linked to anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges (Hewitt et al., 2002; Stornelli et al., 2009). Some studies even connect it to impulsivity—another trait often associated with ADHD (Christian et al., 2021).

Our kids are juggling so much—school, sports, friendships, family—and trying to do it all perfectly. But where in their busy schedules is there room for therapy, for processing all they are up against?

As a therapist, I’ve seen how tough it is for families to fit it all in—especially when therapy waits until a parent gets home from work. That’s why Maggie now offers online therapy—to meet kids where they are and when they need it most. 

Let’s help them shift from “I can’t do it, I’m not perfect”

to “Hold on, let me try that again.”